Identity Crisis

Recently, I’ve been thinking about identity, what it is, how you find it. It sounds new-agey, and it most likely is, but it doesn’t have to be. It’s a good thing to know who you are. You don’t want to be like the sea, tossed to and fro with every wind.

What my thinking started as was a random comment I made to my mom while reading A Romance Worth Waiting For, a booklet by Jesse & Heidi Jost, about “find who you are, before you find who we are”. Neither husband nor wife should have to have their spouse around in order to know who they are. True, the people in our lives affect and will be part of our identity, but they are not our identity. Utter dependence on a spouse, parents, sibling, or child is bound to create problems. If the one you depend upon to be your identity leaves you or dies, how you are to function? I am not saying that you should never have a desire or an urge to be with a special person (or even just let a loved one slip away, I totally expect devastation from an individual or family who has lost a loved one), just you should be able to make decisions and function without them, if need be.

Marriage is a choice for two people to become one, because they desire to, not because either needs to find someone who will make choices for them. In a marriage, you choose to make a choice as a couple, not because you have to, but because you want to. It is called union for a reason. (Of course, I do promote the wife respecting and supporting the husband’s final choice, however I firmly believe the husband should allow his wife to at least have a say in the decision without downplaying her decision-making abilities.) It cannot be “we” without two separate, distinct individuals.

In most circumstances, any person under the age of 16 does not really know who they are. They’re still making that transition into adulthood and it’s sometimes hard to tell if it’s a stage or who they are actually becoming. But usually in their 16th-17th year (the year after they turn 15 or 16), they should be pretty firm if their parents have established the basics in their life and are continuing to advise them. Please note that I do believe we all are always growing and changing and sometimes our ideas and beliefs will change, but this should never force us to become something we’re not (extroverts when we’re really introverts, emo when we’re really prep [horrible examples, but you get the idea]). Basically, that trends and peer pressure should never force you into going against your nature, so long as your nature is still in God’s will. I didn’t touch on comfort zones, as it should be well-known and well-acknowledged that being pushed out of our comfort zones for certain things is healthy.

However, more importantly than finding your own identity is finding who you are in Christ. If you don’t know who you are in Christ (where your beliefs lie, who He is, what He wants you to do), you won’t be able to help others find who they are. A complete stability and trust in Him provides an immense amount of security and peace. But beware if you don’t know who you are in Him. You are likely to be tossed with every wind of doctrine. By all means, be open to other ideas, etc. but it is never a good idea to allow another to lead you away from your identity in Him. Also keep in mind that your identity in Christ will never lead you to commit sins. If you know beyond a shadow of a doubt that Christ loves you and protects you, you will soon find it easier to let things go. I’ve learned this from experience. I am not saying that struggles will suddenly be gone and you will have nothing but sunny days, because trust me, the struggles are still there. Everyday, I recommit my life and heart to Him, reminding myself that only He will be there for me at the end of my life. People will come and go, but only God and Christ will be there all the way. The Divine Dance by Shannon Kubiak Primicerio helped me with finding this, as well as Life. Now. by Michael & Shannon Primicerio.

What I see generally in conservative homeschool circles is a focus on raising the daughters to be wives, mothers and homemakers. Then when these daughters aren’t married at 20 and having babies and running the perfect household, they are devastated. They wonder if something is wrong with them.  Nothing is wrong with them, only with their identity. They have been raised to be identitified by their skills as a wife, mother and homemaker. Although these are important skills, what the parents should be raising is Christians. Strong Christians that change their corner of the world. If they are raised to be such, they will do such whether they are beside their husband in the ministry, building an orphanage in Uganda as a single woman, or raising more strong Christians.

There are so many thoughts on this subject. I might write a second part with more thoughts someday. But here are my rambling thoughts as of now. 🙂


~ by neverxxforsaken on June 30, 2009.

2 Responses to “Identity Crisis”

  1. just to put a few more thoughts…we humans always are being influenced by everything around us. be it our parents or friends…we pick up a few things here and there.No wonder we carry our habits of our parents(habits can’t be inherited genetically i what my brain tells me)…we even try and ape our fav characters from books or movies…so as you said to see the real ME,it is only HE who can show us that….cuz he is the only one who knows that

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